Friday, December 26, 2008
So, I haven't had Christmas yet, since I've been working through the holidays. But my girlfriend gave me an early present, and it may be the coolest thing ever: An Iron Man bobble-head.
Oh, no, you read that right. An Iron Man bobble-head.
My girlfriend, she rocks.
Saturday, December 6, 2008
The Santas are proteges of Larry Stewart, who roamed the Kansas City streets each December handing out $100. Before he died of cancer two years ago, Stewart had doled out about $1.3 million in 26 years of charity.
The entire story, written skillfully by AP writer Cheryl Wittenauer, was touching. But this particular passage affected me the most:
Leotta Burbank, 50, of West Frankfurt, Ill., was at a thrift store Friday to buy decorations for her sister-in-law's room at a St. Louis hospice, where she is dying of pancreatic cancer.
When Santa gave her money, Burbank collapsed into his arms and wouldn't stop hugging him.
"God provides," she said. "This is real emotional for me."
Now, if we could only channel this sort of thing 364 more days out of the year, we'd be rolling.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
I'm thankful for friends who find my company appealing, though God knows why.
I'm thankful for family, who love me because they have to. It's in the fine print, damn it.
I'm thankful that in this wretched economy, I have a job with benefits, even if sometimes it makes me want to sit down with a bottle of Jack Daniels and see how long it takes to get to the bottom.
I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head, food on the table and clothes on my back.
I'm thankful that I'm ambulatory and cognizant.
And I'm thankful the Phillies finally won the damned World Series.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Now, we find out that President-elect Barack Obama is a closely-woven unbleached or white cloth produced from corded cotton yarn. Muslin, you know, breathes well, and is a good choice of material for clothing meant for hot, dry climates. Which will be nice during the summer months.
And, you know, this completely supports that belief that he's a terrorist, 'cause they come from arid climes.
And people say the American education system's in the crapper. C'mon, nothing says educated like incorrect, libelous graffiti.
(Thanks to Wonkette for turning me on to this priceless gem of a tale.)
The album, which has been in production since 1994 (No, no; you read that right), the disc is being seen as an attack upon the Glorious People's Republic of China, where a state-owned paper published an article Monday with the headline, "American band releases album venomously attacking China." Unidentified Chinese Internet users had described the album as part of a plot by some in the West to "grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn." The album "turns its spear point on China," the article said.
In the Communist Party's defense , the record's title track does include the lyrics, and warns "if your Great Wall rocks blame yourself." And we all know that if there's a man with his finger on the global pulse, with bags and bags of relevancy, and scores of malleable youth hanging on his every word, it's W. Axl Rose.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
So it looks like Malaysia's top Islamic group banned Muslims from practicing yoga.
And this is after they banned tomboys.
Apparently the National Fatwa Council's chairman, Abdul Shukor Husin, said that many Muslims don't realize that "the ancient Indian exercise could corrupt them."
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
I may work in this business we call news, but I'll be darned if I can figure it out some days.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Here, for your entertainment and edification, courtesy of FunnyorDIE:
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
And that just sucks. I mean, I can remember dancing like an idiot as a kid to that 5/4 rhythm of his in songs like "Bo Diddley" and "Who Do You Love?"
Hell, I still dance like an idiot when I hear those cuts.
Man...what a way to start the work week.
Monday, April 14, 2008
What better way to convince the world that your political party's ready to break out the white sheets and burning crosses than by referring to Barack Obama as "boy?"
Well, that's precisely what Kentucky Rep. Geoff Davis did!
The best part? Davis later apologized, saying his "poor choice of words is regrettable and was in no way meant to impugn you or your integrity. I offer my sincere apology to you and ask for your forgiveness...My comment…in no way reflects the personal and professional respect I have for you.”
'Cause nothing says respect like referring to a black candidate as "boy." Well, Davis also called him a "snake-oil salesman," which should piss PETA off, what with the connotations of abuse against reptiles and all.
Monday, April 7, 2008
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever. (My co-worker is a blonde. Just FYI, y'know.)
What do attorneys use for birth control?
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention ofdriving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car onlyon Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of thecage along with "a recipe."
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F-word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
'Idol' narrows competition to 24 singers
Hezbollah chief threatens Israel
Justice Dept: Waterboarding not legal
Trade deficit falls after 5 record years
Astronauts work on Columbus lab
Do you notice it, too? How in the hell did American Idol top those other four stories? And what does that say about mainstream media, as well as the general population?
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Here are the rules: try not to use IMDB or Google. In fact, if you can stay away from the Internet, even better! If there are no winners by the end of the week, I'll give everybody a clue. Here's the quote:
"If I told you the Loch Ness monster hired me to hit the harbor, what would you say?"
Now, maybe this is too easy. If it is, next week's will be more difficult. That's right; this is going to be weekly fun. Woo!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Thursday, January 17, 2008
What, is this becoming an epidemic? Another asshole threw an infant off a bridge.
Some knuckleheaded editors and publishers tried to keep the whole "Lynch Tiger Woods" debacle alive, even as the clock on the incident was running down. (Yes, I'm aware I'm a journalist. But this is just sensationalism)
Some Mormons are concerned about the heat and attention Mitt Romney's bringing the church. Well, maybe if you weren't two steps from a cult (but five steps from the lunacy of Scientology. Aces!), people wouldn't worry so damned much.
A Wisconsin father is arrested for taping a Packers jersey to his son. He said it was a "joke." Hope it was "a fine and restraining order" funny.
A sitter is charged with murdering a one-year-old boy after swinging him around in a sleeping bag.
I guess living in a tropical paradise doesn't remedy road rage.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Esquire has a story timelining Roger Clemens lying out loud. To the media.
Three fine lads took the clip of Terrell Owens crying (yeah, the one where he proclaimed to have his quarterback's back. Uh, can anyone say Jeff Garcia or DonovanMcNabb?) and turned it into a beer commercial.
An AP writer explains how seeing violence perpetrated on dogs in Hollywood gnaws away at the very core of his soul.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Guess what, cupcake? People in hell want ice water, but ain't nobody handin' 'em a glass.
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Man, I'm a dork.
Friday, January 4, 2008
As ashamed as I am to admit it, I lost sight of the group through the'90s. In fact, it wasn't until Zach Braff reacquainted the world with lead Men Colin Hay via the Garden State sound track and Scrubs that I remembered my appreciation for the boys. And now, it's with the presence of mind of an adult (most of the time) , so I can chuckle at Hay's combination of satire and social commentary.
Lemme tell you; these songs are still a treat to listen to. Go ahead, you know you wanna.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
But I digress.
In honor of the new year, I thought, why not list a few of my fave-oh-rite things of 2007? Now, this isn't just a list of the best music or movies (For a great list of the best music of 2007, head over to Liz's Rants and Ramblings. Good times). Oh no, it's just a random collection of crap I enjoyed for 12 months. And of course, some of these things may not have debuted in '07, but I probably didn't discover them until then. Narf!
Favorite movie: In the Valley of Elah. I didn't get to many movies this year, and most of the ones I did were disappointing in one way or another. But I went into In the Valley of Elah with few expectations, and it shocked the hell out of me. Of course, Tommy Lee Jones was fantastic, doing more with less than most actors do while chewing their way through the scenery. Perhaps my favorite part was watching his fastidious nature crumble the deeper he delved into the truth of his son's death. And while I'm usually underimpressed by Charlize Theron (with the exception of Monster), she almost managed to keep up with Jones (see the scene in the bathroom with the dead woman. If ever regret was writ upon someone's features, that's what it would look like).
Favorite book: An Unquiet Mind by Kay Redfield Jamison. This autobiographical book actually came out in 1997, but I didn't get around to reading it until a decade later. The true story of a doctor of psychiatry's struggle with manic depressive disorder (known clinically as bipolarism) is at times harrowing, heartbreaking and redemptive. It uncovers an illness that comes not only with bouts of elevating mania and crushing depression, but also an unbearable stigma. Jamison's writing personalizes the disease, and in giving it a face, makes it easier to understand and with which to sympathize.
Favorite sporting event: (tie) The Red Sox winning the World Series and Chuck Liddell beating Wanderlei Silva at UFC 79. The World Series gets a vote because (A) I love me some baseball, and (2) because since the Phils were eliminated in the first round of the playoffs after an historic comeback, I had to throw my support behind the Sox, since Liz is a huge fan. Also, they crushed the Rockies, who eliminated my Phils, so that sweet, sweet vindication. And it was just nice to see my boy Liddell get back in the win column -- outlasting Silva, nicknamed "the Axe Murderer -- after gut-wrenching losses to Quinton "Rampage" Jackson, who stripped the Iceman of his light heavyweight title, and Keith Jardine, who fights as though he were in the midst of an epileptic episode, and who looks vaguely like Michael Berryman.
Favorite song: You Can't Fail Me Now, written by Joe Henry, performed by Loudon Wainwright III on the Knocked Up soundtrack. In a year that saw Britney's successful return to the charts with Gimme More (even if she suffered in fairly all other realms of, well, life), Rihanna's catchy Umbrella and Timbaland's solo single Apologize (both of which I just can't get enough of), as well as the triumphant return of the Boss and fantastic Indie fare like the Editors' An End Has a Start and great albums by Silversun Pickups and the National (thanks, Liz) and Amy Winehouse before the meltdown, it's this intimate folk-infused ditty that won me over. And lemme tell you, it was far and away the best part of that movie. Step back, Rufus and let your old man show you how it's done.
Favorite performance in a movie or television show: Well, since I don't watch television if it's not on DVD, this is going to be primarily a silver screen category. And I'm a-have to say it's a tie between Angelina Jolie in A Mighty Heart and Ben Affleck in Hollywoodland. Jolie was transcendent as Mariane Pearl, conveying the composure and heartache of a journalist who wanted to know all the angles in the story of her missing colleague, as well as a woman who just wanted her husband back (see the moment where she finds out her husband was killed if you want to see heartrending misery at its finest). And Ben Affleck, well, he just had to go and prove that no matter what the tabloids said, or what shuddering piece of crap film he'd been in lately, he actually does have talent. His portrayal of George Reeves, a man who fell short of his hopes and dreams while soaring through the imaginations of children the nation over as Superman, was exhausting, and I mean that in a good way.
Favorite news story: A north Texas woman concocted a story about her six-year-old daughter's father dying while serving over in Iraq for an essay contest, all to win tickets to a Hannah Montana concert. Of course, her old man happened to be alive and well, working as a carpet cleaner, and had never served in the military. I don't condone or advocate lying, or baldly playing on the emotions of others. This story just amuses me because, seriously, Hannah Montana? What is it about Miley Cyrus that has everyone in such a fuss?