WHOOPS

File this one under "I." As in, "I guess racism is still very much alive and well, thanks for asking."

What better way to convince the world that your political party's ready to break out the white sheets and burning crosses than by referring to Barack Obama as "boy?"

Well, that's precisely what Kentucky Rep. Geoff Davis did!

The best part? Davis later apologized, saying his "poor choice of words is regrettable and was in no way meant to impugn you or your integrity. I offer my sincere apology to you and ask for your forgiveness...My comment…in no way reflects the personal and professional respect I have for you.”

'Cause nothing says respect like referring to a black candidate as "boy." Well, Davis also called him a "snake-oil salesman," which should piss PETA off, what with the connotations of abuse against reptiles and all.

INAPPROPRIATE LAUGHTER

It's been a while. But to make up for it, I've brought some inappropriate jokes a co-worker e-mailed me. Enjoy now, worry about the guilt later.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever. (My co-worker is a blonde. Just FYI, y'know.)

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention ofdriving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car onlyon Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of thecage along with "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F-word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

BIG DEAL #487

I don't usually follow politics in other states...mostly 'cause I don't live there, and I can barely be bothered at this point to give a hoot about politics in my home state. But it's been nearly impossible to escape the story about New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer and his dalliances with women of negotiable affection. The thing that I don't understand is why it's such a big deal.

Now, before you start hyperventilating and gesticulating wildly, I get the fact that he's married, and has always borne a squeaky-clean kind of an image. So, yeah, the whole cheating-on-his-wife thing? That makes him a dirtbag of the highest order. And the fact that he's always portrayed himself as a righteous fella only serves to twist the knife counter-clockwise.

No, the thing I don't understand is why people get all bent out of shape when a person frequents a prostitute. I've never done so myself, but what's the big deal? As long as both parties are consenting adults and no one's getting hurt, who gives a crap if someone has to, or wants to, pay to have sex? I think this is just one more way that people can feel that sweet tingle of righteous indignation, point a finger, and tell other people how to live. Me, I'm all for legalized prostitution. That way, the government could wrangle some income taxes and monitor the business and law enforcement officers could stop wasting time busting hookers.

Priorities. We need them.

THIS JUST IN...

I was checking out Newsweek online, when I noticed something wrong with their headlines:

'Idol' narrows competition to 24 singers
Hezbollah chief threatens Israel
Justice Dept: Waterboarding not legal
Trade deficit falls after 5 record years
Astronauts work on Columbus lab

Do you notice it, too? How in the hell did American Idol top those other four stories? And what does that say about mainstream media, as well as the general population?

Sigh.

A SHOOTING STAR

By now, most folks have heard about the untimely death of Heath Ledger. Gossip hounds have already begun circling, spouting off about who's apartment he was found in; was he found in the nude or not; and my, there were pills in the vicinity. But what's important is that a gifted young man has died too young, and left a child who will never know her father beyond the pictures, the films and the commentary on his passing.

But there's an element of this all that bothers me, I'm afraid (beyond the salacious nature of the gossip already floating around). Before I get to that, though, I feel I should preface this with this statement: I respect Heath Ledger as an artist. I've always enjoyed his performances, even when it was in dreck like A Knight's Tale. His turn as Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain is in my Top Ten All-Time Favorite Performances. And it is a damned shame that he died. But here's the thing: it's no more a damned shame than when any 28 year old dies, or anyone, for that matter.

That's what bothers me; all this talk of how he was such a talented actor and what a loss it is to the world at large. Well, how is it any less a loss when a 28-year-old press mechanic dies in a work-related accident? How is it any less a loss to that person's family and friends? Is that how we measure a person's worth: what he means to the greater world at large? Are some people imbued with more currency than others? I think this dialogue exposes an unfortunate truth about celebrity and how society-at-large overvalues such a thing. I suppose that's bloody obvious, though, with how much the media is inundated with 24-hour celebrity news. We as a public feel this sense of proprietorship over those that occupy the entertainment industry.

But as much as I enjoyed his work, I refuse to believe that Heath Ledger's death is any more important than that 28-year-old factory worker's. No life is worth more than any other. And while we should mourn the loss of Heath Ledger, we should damn well mourn the loss of any life, no matter the station that person occupied.

SAY WHAT?

So, here's something fun: a trivia contest! The first person to correctly identify what movie this quote came from, as well as who said it, will win themselves a Cadbury creme egg! Eee!

Here are the rules: try not to use IMDB or Google. In fact, if you can stay away from the Internet, even better! If there are no winners by the end of the week, I'll give everybody a clue. Here's the quote:

"If I told you the Loch Ness monster hired me to hit the harbor, what would you say?"

Now, maybe this is too easy. If it is, next week's will be more difficult. That's right; this is going to be weekly fun. Woo!

LIKE A FINE WINE

Here's some '80s goodness from the boys in Motley Crue, just 'cause today felt like a good day for it. You're welcome.