Here, for your entertainment and edification, courtesy of FunnyorDIE:
See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
I'LL SEE YOU AT THE DEBATES, BITCHES...
Here then, is the greatest thing Paris Hilton has ever done...and probably ever will. Adam McKay, of funnyordie.com, cobbled together an idea for a response to John McCain's comparing Barack Obama to Paris and Britney Spears. Well, Ms. Hilton agreed to go along for the ride, and it's funny as hell. It also has a pretty sound energy plan.
Here, for your entertainment and edification, courtesy of FunnyorDIE:
Here, for your entertainment and edification, courtesy of FunnyorDIE:
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
WORD
This could be the funniest thing I've seen online in months:
Nothing says "Crime pays," like $17, dawg.
Monday, June 2, 2008
AWW, MAN...
Bo Diddley up and died.And that just sucks. I mean, I can remember dancing like an idiot as a kid to that 5/4 rhythm of his in songs like "Bo Diddley" and "Who Do You Love?"
Hell, I still dance like an idiot when I hear those cuts.
Man...what a way to start the work week.
In honor of my man Bo, here's a little sumpin'-sumpin' to listen to.
Monday, April 14, 2008
WHOOPS
File this one under "I." As in, "I guess racism is still very much alive and well, thanks for asking."
What better way to convince the world that your political party's ready to break out the white sheets and burning crosses than by referring to Barack Obama as "boy?"
Well, that's precisely what Kentucky Rep. Geoff Davis did!
The best part? Davis later apologized, saying his "poor choice of words is regrettable and was in no way meant to impugn you or your integrity. I offer my sincere apology to you and ask for your forgiveness...My comment…in no way reflects the personal and professional respect I have for you.”
'Cause nothing says respect like referring to a black candidate as "boy." Well, Davis also called him a "snake-oil salesman," which should piss PETA off, what with the connotations of abuse against reptiles and all.
What better way to convince the world that your political party's ready to break out the white sheets and burning crosses than by referring to Barack Obama as "boy?"
Well, that's precisely what Kentucky Rep. Geoff Davis did!
The best part? Davis later apologized, saying his "poor choice of words is regrettable and was in no way meant to impugn you or your integrity. I offer my sincere apology to you and ask for your forgiveness...My comment…in no way reflects the personal and professional respect I have for you.”
'Cause nothing says respect like referring to a black candidate as "boy." Well, Davis also called him a "snake-oil salesman," which should piss PETA off, what with the connotations of abuse against reptiles and all.
Monday, April 7, 2008
INAPPROPRIATE LAUGHTER
It's been a while. But to make up for it, I've brought some inappropriate jokes a co-worker e-mailed me. Enjoy now, worry about the guilt later.
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever. (My co-worker is a blonde. Just FYI, y'know.)
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention ofdriving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car onlyon Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of thecage along with "a recipe."
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F-word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever. (My co-worker is a blonde. Just FYI, y'know.)
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention ofdriving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car onlyon Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of thecage along with "a recipe."
How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F-word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
BIG DEAL #487
I don't usually follow politics in other states...mostly 'cause I don't live there, and I can barely be bothered at this point to give a hoot about politics in my home state. But it's been nearly impossible to escape the story about New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer and his dalliances with women of negotiable affection. The thing that I don't understand is why it's such a big deal.Now, before you start hyperventilating and gesticulating wildly, I get the fact that he's married, and has always borne a squeaky-clean kind of an image. So, yeah, the whole cheating-on-his-wife thing? That makes him a dirtbag of the highest order. And the fact that he's always portrayed himself as a righteous fella only serves to twist the knife counter-clockwise.
No, the thing I don't understand is why people get all bent out of shape when a person frequents a prostitute. I've never done so myself, but what's the big deal? As long as both parties are consenting adults and no one's getting hurt, who gives a crap if someone has to, or wants to, pay to have sex? I think this is just one more way that people can feel that sweet tingle of righteous indignation, point a finger, and tell other people how to live. Me, I'm all for legalized prostitution. That way, the government could wrangle some income taxes and monitor the business and law enforcement officers could stop wasting time busting hookers.
Priorities. We need them.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
THIS JUST IN...
I was checking out Newsweek online, when I noticed something wrong with their headlines:
'Idol' narrows competition to 24 singers
Hezbollah chief threatens Israel
Justice Dept: Waterboarding not legal
Trade deficit falls after 5 record years
Astronauts work on Columbus lab
Do you notice it, too? How in the hell did American Idol top those other four stories? And what does that say about mainstream media, as well as the general population?
Sigh.
'Idol' narrows competition to 24 singers
Hezbollah chief threatens Israel
Justice Dept: Waterboarding not legal
Trade deficit falls after 5 record years
Astronauts work on Columbus lab
Do you notice it, too? How in the hell did American Idol top those other four stories? And what does that say about mainstream media, as well as the general population?
Sigh.
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