AN IRONCLAD CHRISTMAS

So, I haven't had Christmas yet, since I've been working through the holidays. But my girlfriend gave me an early present, and it may be the coolest thing ever: An Iron Man bobble-head.

Oh, no, you read that right. An Iron Man bobble-head.

My girlfriend, she rocks.

WE NEED MORE OF THIS

More goodwill and charity, like these Secret Santas in three states have been spreading.

The Santas are proteges of Larry Stewart, who roamed the Kansas City streets each December handing out $100. Before he died of cancer two years ago, Stewart had doled out about $1.3 million in 26 years of charity.

The entire story, written skillfully by AP writer Cheryl Wittenauer, was touching. But this particular passage affected me the most:

Leotta Burbank, 50, of West Frankfurt, Ill., was at a thrift store Friday to buy decorations for her sister-in-law's room at a St. Louis hospice, where she is dying of pancreatic cancer.

When Santa gave her money, Burbank collapsed into his arms and wouldn't stop hugging him.

"God provides," she said. "This is real emotional for me."

Now, if we could only channel this sort of thing 364 more days out of the year, we'd be rolling.

TIME FOR THE TURKEY COMA

It's that time again for being thankful, no matter how craptastic your circumstances. Why it takes a national holiday for us to remember such things is beyond me. But there you have it.

I'm thankful for friends who find my company appealing, though God knows why.

I'm thankful for family, who love me because they have to. It's in the fine print, damn it.

I'm thankful that in this wretched economy, I have a job with benefits, even if sometimes it makes me want to sit down with a bottle of Jack Daniels and see how long it takes to get to the bottom.

I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head, food on the table and clothes on my back.

I'm thankful that I'm ambulatory and cognizant.

And I'm thankful the Phillies finally won the damned World Series.

AND YOU CAN WEAR HIM AFTER LABOR DAY

Well, we've heard him called a terrorist. We've heard how he's going to take money from hard-working Americans and simply hand it out by the bucketful to lazy, good-for-nothing Welfare bums. And we've heard how he's in league with terrorists, won't salute the American flag, and will inevitably prove to the downfall of American life as we know it.

Now, we find out that President-elect Barack Obama is a closely-woven unbleached or white cloth produced from corded cotton yarn. Muslin, you know, breathes well, and is a good choice of material for clothing meant for hot, dry climates. Which will be nice during the summer months.

And, you know, this completely supports that belief that he's a terrorist, 'cause they come from arid climes.

And people say the American education system's in the crapper. C'mon, nothing says educated like incorrect, libelous graffiti.

(Thanks to Wonkette for turning me on to this priceless gem of a tale.)

CHINA OFFENDED BY AXL ROSE, POUTS IN CORNER OF PLAYGROUND

In a story by The Associated Press, China's ruling Communist Party has taken exception to the long-awaited, near-mythic Guns N' Roses album, "Chinese Democracy," slated to hit store shelves on Sunday.

The album, which has been in production since 1994 (No, no; you read that right), the disc is being seen as an attack upon the Glorious People's Republic of China, where a state-owned paper published an article Monday with the headline, "American band releases album venomously attacking China." Unidentified Chinese Internet users had described the album as part of a plot by some in the West to "grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn." The album "turns its spear point on China," the article said.

In the Communist Party's defense , the record's title track does include the lyrics, and warns "if your Great Wall rocks blame yourself." And we all know that if there's a man with his finger on the global pulse, with bags and bags of relevancy, and scores of malleable youth hanging on his every word, it's W. Axl Rose.

MALAYSIAN MUSLIMS BAN YOGA; NEXT UP, COMMON SENSE

So it looks like Malaysia's top Islamic group banned Muslims from practicing yoga.

And this is after they banned tomboys.

Apparently the National Fatwa Council's chairman, Abdul Shukor Husin, said that many Muslims don't realize that "the ancient Indian exercise could corrupt them."

Tomboys, in case you were wondering, violate Islam's tenets. And non-Muslims can't use the word "Allah," since that could confuse Muslims.

Ooooooooooooooo-kay.

12 YEAR OLD REVOLUTIONIZES SOLAR CELL, STILL CAN'T GET DATE

But seriously, this story is wonderful. William Yuan, a seventh grader from Portland, Ore., designed a 3-D solar cell that not only absorbs visible light, but also UV rays.

It's refreshing to see things like this. It helps engender confidence in the future of humanity. And I secretly always wanted to be a science prodigy and go off to a specialized school and room with Val Kilmer, like in "Real Genius," and have Jon Gries live in my closet.

'CAUSE IT'S GOOD, THAT'S WHY

Hey, you. Yeah, you four people that check out this blog. You should buy this book. Why? 'Cause it's written by the incredibly gifted Karen Andrews, one of Australia's many talents.

Trust me; Karen has a way with the words. There's an honesty in her work, and not an ounce of pretense. Which is the way it should be.

At the very least, go over and give her blog a look-see. You won' t be disappointed.

THAT'LL WAKE YOU UP IN THE MORNING

So, I found that nothing quite knocks the cobwebs from your head first thing in the a.m. like stepping on a piece of broken glass with a bare foot.

ALL THE NEWS THAT FITS WE PRINT

CNN.com has the recent plane crash in Madrid, Spain as its top, breaking news story of the day. And while that's distressing enough, making things even worse is that a video clip discussing Roseanne Barr's vitriolic comments vilifying Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (as well as their kids), is also on the front page of the news section, rather than in entertainment. And yesterday, they had a front-page clip about Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer's break up.

I may work in this business we call news, but I'll be darned if I can figure it out some days.

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE DEBATES, BITCHES...

Here then, is the greatest thing Paris Hilton has ever done...and probably ever will. Adam McKay, of funnyordie.com, cobbled together an idea for a response to John McCain's comparing Barack Obama to Paris and Britney Spears. Well, Ms. Hilton agreed to go along for the ride, and it's funny as hell. It also has a pretty sound energy plan.

Here, for your entertainment and edification, courtesy of FunnyorDIE:

See more Paris Hilton videos at Funny or Die

WORD

This could be the funniest thing I've seen online in months:

Nothing says "Crime pays," like $17, dawg.

AWW, MAN...

Bo Diddley up and died.

And that just sucks. I mean, I can remember dancing like an idiot as a kid to that 5/4 rhythm of his in songs like "Bo Diddley" and "Who Do You Love?"

Hell, I still dance like an idiot when I hear those cuts.

Man...what a way to start the work week.

In honor of my man Bo, here's a little sumpin'-sumpin' to listen to.

WHOOPS

File this one under "I." As in, "I guess racism is still very much alive and well, thanks for asking."

What better way to convince the world that your political party's ready to break out the white sheets and burning crosses than by referring to Barack Obama as "boy?"

Well, that's precisely what Kentucky Rep. Geoff Davis did!

The best part? Davis later apologized, saying his "poor choice of words is regrettable and was in no way meant to impugn you or your integrity. I offer my sincere apology to you and ask for your forgiveness...My comment…in no way reflects the personal and professional respect I have for you.”

'Cause nothing says respect like referring to a black candidate as "boy." Well, Davis also called him a "snake-oil salesman," which should piss PETA off, what with the connotations of abuse against reptiles and all.

INAPPROPRIATE LAUGHTER

It's been a while. But to make up for it, I've brought some inappropriate jokes a co-worker e-mailed me. Enjoy now, worry about the guilt later.

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever. (My co-worker is a blonde. Just FYI, y'know.)

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention ofdriving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car onlyon Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong."

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between a Southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of thecage along with "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F-word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell "BINGO!"

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." A Southern fairytale begins, "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

BIG DEAL #487

I don't usually follow politics in other states...mostly 'cause I don't live there, and I can barely be bothered at this point to give a hoot about politics in my home state. But it's been nearly impossible to escape the story about New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer and his dalliances with women of negotiable affection. The thing that I don't understand is why it's such a big deal.

Now, before you start hyperventilating and gesticulating wildly, I get the fact that he's married, and has always borne a squeaky-clean kind of an image. So, yeah, the whole cheating-on-his-wife thing? That makes him a dirtbag of the highest order. And the fact that he's always portrayed himself as a righteous fella only serves to twist the knife counter-clockwise.

No, the thing I don't understand is why people get all bent out of shape when a person frequents a prostitute. I've never done so myself, but what's the big deal? As long as both parties are consenting adults and no one's getting hurt, who gives a crap if someone has to, or wants to, pay to have sex? I think this is just one more way that people can feel that sweet tingle of righteous indignation, point a finger, and tell other people how to live. Me, I'm all for legalized prostitution. That way, the government could wrangle some income taxes and monitor the business and law enforcement officers could stop wasting time busting hookers.

Priorities. We need them.

THIS JUST IN...

I was checking out Newsweek online, when I noticed something wrong with their headlines:

'Idol' narrows competition to 24 singers
Hezbollah chief threatens Israel
Justice Dept: Waterboarding not legal
Trade deficit falls after 5 record years
Astronauts work on Columbus lab

Do you notice it, too? How in the hell did American Idol top those other four stories? And what does that say about mainstream media, as well as the general population?

Sigh.

A SHOOTING STAR

By now, most folks have heard about the untimely death of Heath Ledger. Gossip hounds have already begun circling, spouting off about who's apartment he was found in; was he found in the nude or not; and my, there were pills in the vicinity. But what's important is that a gifted young man has died too young, and left a child who will never know her father beyond the pictures, the films and the commentary on his passing.

But there's an element of this all that bothers me, I'm afraid (beyond the salacious nature of the gossip already floating around). Before I get to that, though, I feel I should preface this with this statement: I respect Heath Ledger as an artist. I've always enjoyed his performances, even when it was in dreck like A Knight's Tale. His turn as Ennis Del Mar in Brokeback Mountain is in my Top Ten All-Time Favorite Performances. And it is a damned shame that he died. But here's the thing: it's no more a damned shame than when any 28 year old dies, or anyone, for that matter.

That's what bothers me; all this talk of how he was such a talented actor and what a loss it is to the world at large. Well, how is it any less a loss when a 28-year-old press mechanic dies in a work-related accident? How is it any less a loss to that person's family and friends? Is that how we measure a person's worth: what he means to the greater world at large? Are some people imbued with more currency than others? I think this dialogue exposes an unfortunate truth about celebrity and how society-at-large overvalues such a thing. I suppose that's bloody obvious, though, with how much the media is inundated with 24-hour celebrity news. We as a public feel this sense of proprietorship over those that occupy the entertainment industry.

But as much as I enjoyed his work, I refuse to believe that Heath Ledger's death is any more important than that 28-year-old factory worker's. No life is worth more than any other. And while we should mourn the loss of Heath Ledger, we should damn well mourn the loss of any life, no matter the station that person occupied.

SAY WHAT?

So, here's something fun: a trivia contest! The first person to correctly identify what movie this quote came from, as well as who said it, will win themselves a Cadbury creme egg! Eee!

Here are the rules: try not to use IMDB or Google. In fact, if you can stay away from the Internet, even better! If there are no winners by the end of the week, I'll give everybody a clue. Here's the quote:

"If I told you the Loch Ness monster hired me to hit the harbor, what would you say?"

Now, maybe this is too easy. If it is, next week's will be more difficult. That's right; this is going to be weekly fun. Woo!

LIKE A FINE WINE

Here's some '80s goodness from the boys in Motley Crue, just 'cause today felt like a good day for it. You're welcome.