AN IRONCLAD CHRISTMAS

So, I haven't had Christmas yet, since I've been working through the holidays. But my girlfriend gave me an early present, and it may be the coolest thing ever: An Iron Man bobble-head.

Oh, no, you read that right. An Iron Man bobble-head.

My girlfriend, she rocks.

WE NEED MORE OF THIS

More goodwill and charity, like these Secret Santas in three states have been spreading.

The Santas are proteges of Larry Stewart, who roamed the Kansas City streets each December handing out $100. Before he died of cancer two years ago, Stewart had doled out about $1.3 million in 26 years of charity.

The entire story, written skillfully by AP writer Cheryl Wittenauer, was touching. But this particular passage affected me the most:

Leotta Burbank, 50, of West Frankfurt, Ill., was at a thrift store Friday to buy decorations for her sister-in-law's room at a St. Louis hospice, where she is dying of pancreatic cancer.

When Santa gave her money, Burbank collapsed into his arms and wouldn't stop hugging him.

"God provides," she said. "This is real emotional for me."

Now, if we could only channel this sort of thing 364 more days out of the year, we'd be rolling.

TIME FOR THE TURKEY COMA

It's that time again for being thankful, no matter how craptastic your circumstances. Why it takes a national holiday for us to remember such things is beyond me. But there you have it.

I'm thankful for friends who find my company appealing, though God knows why.

I'm thankful for family, who love me because they have to. It's in the fine print, damn it.

I'm thankful that in this wretched economy, I have a job with benefits, even if sometimes it makes me want to sit down with a bottle of Jack Daniels and see how long it takes to get to the bottom.

I'm thankful that I have a roof over my head, food on the table and clothes on my back.

I'm thankful that I'm ambulatory and cognizant.

And I'm thankful the Phillies finally won the damned World Series.

AND YOU CAN WEAR HIM AFTER LABOR DAY

Well, we've heard him called a terrorist. We've heard how he's going to take money from hard-working Americans and simply hand it out by the bucketful to lazy, good-for-nothing Welfare bums. And we've heard how he's in league with terrorists, won't salute the American flag, and will inevitably prove to the downfall of American life as we know it.

Now, we find out that President-elect Barack Obama is a closely-woven unbleached or white cloth produced from corded cotton yarn. Muslin, you know, breathes well, and is a good choice of material for clothing meant for hot, dry climates. Which will be nice during the summer months.

And, you know, this completely supports that belief that he's a terrorist, 'cause they come from arid climes.

And people say the American education system's in the crapper. C'mon, nothing says educated like incorrect, libelous graffiti.

(Thanks to Wonkette for turning me on to this priceless gem of a tale.)

CHINA OFFENDED BY AXL ROSE, POUTS IN CORNER OF PLAYGROUND

In a story by The Associated Press, China's ruling Communist Party has taken exception to the long-awaited, near-mythic Guns N' Roses album, "Chinese Democracy," slated to hit store shelves on Sunday.

The album, which has been in production since 1994 (No, no; you read that right), the disc is being seen as an attack upon the Glorious People's Republic of China, where a state-owned paper published an article Monday with the headline, "American band releases album venomously attacking China." Unidentified Chinese Internet users had described the album as part of a plot by some in the West to "grasp and control the world using democracy as a pawn." The album "turns its spear point on China," the article said.

In the Communist Party's defense , the record's title track does include the lyrics, and warns "if your Great Wall rocks blame yourself." And we all know that if there's a man with his finger on the global pulse, with bags and bags of relevancy, and scores of malleable youth hanging on his every word, it's W. Axl Rose.

MALAYSIAN MUSLIMS BAN YOGA; NEXT UP, COMMON SENSE

So it looks like Malaysia's top Islamic group banned Muslims from practicing yoga.

And this is after they banned tomboys.

Apparently the National Fatwa Council's chairman, Abdul Shukor Husin, said that many Muslims don't realize that "the ancient Indian exercise could corrupt them."

Tomboys, in case you were wondering, violate Islam's tenets. And non-Muslims can't use the word "Allah," since that could confuse Muslims.

Ooooooooooooooo-kay.

12 YEAR OLD REVOLUTIONIZES SOLAR CELL, STILL CAN'T GET DATE

But seriously, this story is wonderful. William Yuan, a seventh grader from Portland, Ore., designed a 3-D solar cell that not only absorbs visible light, but also UV rays.

It's refreshing to see things like this. It helps engender confidence in the future of humanity. And I secretly always wanted to be a science prodigy and go off to a specialized school and room with Val Kilmer, like in "Real Genius," and have Jon Gries live in my closet.